Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Goof post: c1

Don't pay much attention to this story. It's a joke / troll story I wrote for a friend. I'm just leaving it here for other people.


“You sure this is going to work?” Jessie asked as he handed Thomas a wrench.
“It has to work, I can’t take it anymore.” Thomas answered, grabbing the wrench from Jessie’s hands without even sparing his friend a glance. He had been working on this machine for four years, and he was just making a few last-minute tweaks now. The fruits of his labor were finally in sight.
“You realize how screwed up this is, how screwed up you are. I can’t believe you’re doing this. You don’t even know if it’ll work.”
“If it doesn’t, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“You could die? Be turned into a giant fly? Find yourself as a slime or goblin in another world? End up transformed into a girl? I don’t know, you read manga and hentai, right? This is where things go wrong. You should learn from the great books of wisdom and apply that mind to something more productive.”
Thomas paused his tinkering and popped his head out of the large cylindrical device that occupied half of his room, a contemplative look on his face. “Yeah, dying seems plausible if this fails. Who knows, I could be teleported into a vat of lava, nowhere at all, or even bleeped out of existence on every time continuum, but the rest of that seems like nonsense. This is a device meant to change my location in the space-time continuum, nothing else. It’s a time travel device, not a gender-changing-goblin-morphing-giant-fly-making machine,” he said after a minute, then shook his head and went back to work.
“And you’re not worried about dying? Or never seeing your handsome friend, me, again? I mean, it’s kinda crappy that you’re ditching me over such a stupid reason.”
“Wanting to escape the shame of rejection after Quinn dumped me, and not wanting to do something inappropriate with my 35-year-old sister are not stupid reasons to want to escape into the future.”
“How hard is it to just not hook up with your sister, really? I mean, I know she’s attractive. She’s so beautiful that even I have to go home early when she comes around. But seriously. How hard is it to control yourself?”
Thomas popped his head out, his face covered in dread, “I grabbed them last week. I grabbed them and she didn’t do anything. I can’t be here. This is going to escalate in the wrong direction way too quickly!”
Jessie blinked. “You what?! You, you grabbed them!? How does that even happen? Don’t tell me you fell on top of her, that situation never occurs in real life. Don’t lie!”
“I just couldn’t stop staring . . .and I reached my hand out, and before I knew it I was holding onto them. They were so soft I thought I was in a dream, until she smacked the hand away after a few minutes and told me to stop teasing her.”
“Stop teasing her?”
“Yeah bro, stop teasing her is all she said. I thought she’d slap me, hit me, tell me off, but she just stood there. I need to get out of here before I do something dumb,” Thomas insisted.
“That is bad, but couldn’t you just move towns? Don’t you think time traveling is a bit much?”
“Well, I mean, I’m also time traveling! Can you imagine the VR games in the future? The foods? The medicines? I’ll get to skip 20 years of waiting and see the world of tomorrow, today! So there is that.”
“But you’d still be leaving me high and dry,” Jessie moped. “Who am I going to hang out with when I finally get to college in a few years?”
Thomas came out of the machine altogether this time. He wiped his hands clean and put one on Jessie’s shoulder. “Leaving you? Who do you think is going to take care of me when I get into the future? I’ll need your help more than anyone, to find a job, catch up on all the changes, and adjust to a harsh new life. I’ll be counting on you then more than I count on even my parents now.” Thomas did his best to reassure Jessie. “Just pick me up at this location,” he handed Jessie a piece of paper with a date and location written on it, “and make sure to bring some food. This process should leave me starving.”
“Baka,” Jessie muttered, kicking the floor and pulling at his usually over-baggy clothes. “You never understand.”
Understand? What is there to understand? Thomas wondered as he packed a bag of clothes and stepped into the machine. “Jessie, I’m sorry I have to leave you for now, but I’ll be with you shortly, and then it’ll just be you and me against the world. There is no one I’d rather be with in the future than you. Trust me on that!”
Jessie didn’t say anything in return, just gave Thomas one of his coy smiles and blushed as Thomas shut the door and turned on the machine.
Thomas stared at the console of the time machine in front of him, his greatest creation. He had given up weekends, his social life, cram school, and even a countless number of dinners as he researched and put together this amazing creation. “It’s finally time,” he said to no one in particular. The chamber was airtight and wouldn’t let any sound out, so it’s not like Jessie could hear him. “Let’s do this!” He steeled his nerves, set the date for twenty years in the future and the location to the one he had given Jessie on the piece of paper, and pulled the lever. While he was very confident in his work, he still was concerned about the incredibly real possibility that he’d die, or that nothing would happen. He wasn’t sure which outcome would be worse, as he hadn’t put any planning or effort into making sure he would have a life if it didn’t work.
---Zzzzzzzzz--- The machine roared to life. The lights inside, white bulbs, went out and the interior became illuminated with pulsing blue electricity instead.
---ZzzzzzzzZzzzzzz-- The pulsing grew stronger and he felt a strange sensation as the blue electricity sparked out and started connecting with his skin through his clothes.
---ZzzzzzZzzzzZzzz--- The metronome of electric pulsing continued to speed up, and the strange blue electric currents began connecting to him even more frequently, the lightning-like tendrils burning away his clothes as his eyes lit up with excitement.
“Yes! Yes, it’s working!” Thomas shouted like a mad scientist from within the chamber as he felt his body being imbued by the ever-growing current, unphased by the fact he was now stark naked and the rations and clothes he had prepared had been shredded to pieces by the blue electricity. “It’s WORKING!!!!!”
---ZzzZzZZZZZ… Boom!--- the metronome, which had been speeding up its pulsing at an exponential rate, reached a frequency at which it was impossible for Thomas to even follow the beat, and then it just exploded in a blindingly-blue light that enveloped anything and everything inside the capsule.
“Success!” Thomas said as the light faded.
“Now to see where we are...” Thomas continued talking to himself as he activated a mapping system he had built into the device to make sure that, should he have landed in some apocalyptic wasteland, he would be alerted to any potential danger.
“Hmmm, this is odd,” Thomas frowned. He was supposed to be at a nice, neutral location, a mountain hiking trail where he was hoping no one would build anything. Instead, the mapping sensors showed that he was still in his room in the mansion of a home he had grown up in. In fact, it was still showing one humanoid outside the capsule staring at the machine. “Did it fail? Really?” Thomas’s hopes and dreams were shattered. “Did I put in all that effort for nothing? No… This can’t be. It had to succeed. This . . . damnit. Fuck. Shit. Cunt. Bastard,” Thomas kicked the machine. “You piece of shit, I gave you everything!” Thomas lost his temper and hit the console of the machine a few more times before regaining his cool. “Wait, it might just not have warped me. I might still be in the future,” he told himself, praying to the gods of technology that it was only a dud in some aspects, not all of them.
“Welp, Jessie, time to see if you waited for me,” Thomas said, opening the door to greet whoever it was that was standing outside staring at the machine.
When the door opened though, he realized quickly that he wasn’t in his room. Rather, he was geographically in his room, and the room was the right shape, but other than the giant time machine cylinder and the man staring at him, it was empty.
“Amazing,” the man said as Thomas stepped outside and looked around him.
I’ve definitely traversed time, Thomas didn’t want to say more than needed since he was no longer alone. He had a bad habit of talking to himself out loud, so anytime someone was around he worked extra hard not to voice his thoughts where they could hear. But, when exactly am I.
“This is astounding! What luck!” the man pushed forward, putting a hand on each one of Thomas’s shoulders as he stared straight into Thomas’s eyes.
“Ummm,” Thomas didn’t know what to say. “I uhh--- sorry for crashing into your house.”
“Don’t worry about that. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how you got here, after seeing this, after seeing such a magnificent display, I must have you!” the man proclaimed.
“Huh?” Thomas backed up, knocking the man’s hands off his shoulders.
“Don’t be like that, you clearly came here for me, and I’m here for you. I’ve seen what you’re capable of, I’ve seen you in your full glory, and I won’t take no for an answer. I must have you, right here, right now!” The man’s enthusiasm as he said such embarrassing words caused Thomas to want to vomit.
What’s wrong with you!? Are you kidding me?! “What do you mean my glory?” Thomas asked, confused at what had prompted the man’s reaction, when he suddenly became aware again of the fact he was naked and his glory was swinging back and forth as it pointed from one knee to another. Oh god, no, “Wait, no, I’m not like that!” Thomas protested, trying to close the door and separate himself from the crazy man.
“Don’t be like that, why else would you be here showing off such amazing equipment if you weren’t after my interest?” the man said as he extended a hand and blocked Thomas from closing the door.
Oh god, I know I have great equipment, but  . . . no, stop, this is not happening, Thomas’s urge to up-chuck his last meal rose like the bile in his stomach. “I don’t even know who you are,” Thomas said, pulling harder at the door handle, hoping he could overpower the man, but to no avail.
“If you insist on playing shy, then that’s fine with me. I’m Harry, and you don’t have to play hardball, I’ll pay whatever it takes to have you. Just tell me, and I’ll make you mine right now,” the man’s iron determination was both impressive, and revolting.
Harry, wait, that’s my dad’s name, but he’s -- he’s so young. Oh no, the wheels in Thomas’s mind started turning. I didn’t go forward in time, I went back! Thomas’s eyes shot open as happiness momentarily overtook him when he realized that his device was successful. He wasn’t sure how time travel backward was possible, since theoretically it shouldn’t be at all. Nevertheless, not only had the machine worked, it had done the impossible! That momentary happiness didn’t last long though as his dad grabbed onto his forearm and pulled.
“That’s it! You know how powerful I am, right? Now show me everything you can do! Give me your best!”
Ackk!!! Thomas had to swallow down some vomit as his over-eager dad pulled at him while spouting such gay lines. “No, no, I’m not homo, please don’t,” Thomas smacked his dad’s arm aside.
Ugh, how could this get any worse. I’m in this world for 2 minutes and my dad is already trying to rape me. What the hell? I thought you were straight! Don't you have mom! Why are you being so homo! Thomas complained, his angry thoughts being the only thing that prevented him from throwing up all over the advancing man.
“Gay? What are you talking about? I just have to have you for my company! I've never seen such amazing technology. How did you get it to just teleport here? Come on, show me the inside, show me everything!” Thomas’s dad said, using his strength to pull Thomas out of the device before making his way inside. “This is astounding. How long did it take you to build?”
Huh? Thomas blinked. Oh, that’s right, dad was able to afford this giant mansion to begin with because of his innovations in the tech world. He’s a techie, so, okay. That makes sense, Thomas let out a breath of relief, finally feeling safe enough to relax and stop tensing his muscles defensively. He’s not after any flower of mine, but . . . Thomas looked at his dad as the man went through the machine, poking around and playing with the console as if he was a kid opening christmas presents.
“I suppose I will need a job, and a source of income, a place to live, and some identification if Jessie isn’t waiting around to take care of me,” Thomas began thinking aloud again.
“That’s no problem, none at all! I’ll take care of everything. I’ll pay whatever it takes. You need a place to live? Live here. Just work for me! Make more things like this. Teleportation, this is every man’s dream! Can you imagine what we’d be able to do with this?” His dad, like usual, couldn’t help himself as he carried on inspecting the device.
“It’s not teleportation though, and I think I broke it,” Thomas shook his head as he went into the machine and pulled a piece of the console off. It was his super smart phone. He had built it into the device. It was designed to tap into hundreds of different potential transmission methods, capable of picking up everything from a ham radio to the newest LG9 from his own timeline.
“This is broken? It’s not teleportation?” his dad asked. “Then what is it? No, wait, don’t tell me. I’ll figure it out! Just let me . . . let me find my tool belt,” he said, standing up and dusting off his hands.
“Umm, before you do that, can I get some clothes?” Thomas wasn’t one for modesty, but standing butt naked in an empty room with a young version of his dad, one who had moments ago spouted off lines that sounded like he wanted to have the worst kind of relationship with him, left Thomas with a strong desire for any form of protective fabric, even if the style would be nearly twenty years outdated.
Hold on, the room is completely empty. That means they just moved in. When did my parents move into this place? I think I was one or two years old when they bought up this giant home for us, Thomas began trying to logic out more pieces of when he was and what was going on around him.
“Clothes? I think the wife just unpacked my clothes. You’re about my size, I’ll just get you a spare set of mine on my way to the tool belt if that’s okay,” his dad said, leaving the room so quickly Thomas didn’t even have a chance to object.
“Sure, that works fine. Take your time,” Thomas frowned at the door as it closed.
A few moments passed, and his dad returned with a nice dress shirt, some slacks, underwear and a belt. After he changed, while his dad was still going through and poking around at his time machine, Thomas sat back and started browsing through his smart phone. It had managed to hack into the nearest wifi and he was now catching himself up on current events. He had wondered if perhaps he hadn’t traveled back in time, but rather sideways into a separate timeline, but if that was the case then it would be impossible to tell. Everything matched up perfectly with his own timeline’s history, and my own smartphone has the next seventeen years of this world’s history perfectly recorded, so I guess I can now be the ultimate fortune teller. I could make a fortune with the stock market even if I don’t work at my dad’s company.
“Honey! I know you’re eager to finish setting up Thomas’s nursery room, but you really need to put down the toolbelt and come to dinner. It’ll get cold if you wait too long,” he heard his mom’s sweet, gentle voice pierce through the door.
“Ugh,” his dad grumbled, dropping the metal plate he had just taken off the machine and standing up. “Coming dear!” he yelled back as he dusted himself off. “You too, I don’t want you leaving my sight until I have an employment contract with your name on it.”
Thomas was fine with going down and eating with them, the problem was, she’ll be there, and she’ll be my age now, he gulped. His sister, Michelle, had been hard enough to avoid staring at and ogling when she was middle-aged. Now that he was about to face her tight, young, voluptuous teenage figure, Thomas was beyond nervous. There is no way I can control myself! “I, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I think I need to fix that so--”
“So what, you can portal back to where you came from? Not a chance young man!” his dad grabbed onto his arm and started dragging him into the hall and down the stairs toward the kitchen. “Don’t even think about escaping. You and me are going to change the world together, and I won’t have you disappearing on me.”
“But-- but my machine,” Thomas protested with the only excuse that he could think of. He was pretty sure saying, ‘but I don’t want to meet your daughter because I’m afraid I’ll try to bang her and I’m actually your son,’ wasn’t an excuse that would ever be taken seriously. As he tried to pull back, his dad’s freakish old-man strength had none of it. He just yanked Thomas forward effortlessly.
“I know how hard it is to leave a project in the middle of working, how do you think I feel right now? I’d love to be playing with that beautiful equipment of yours, caressing its hard and soft parts, gently wooing every piece of information I can find out of it as I explore the innermost dark chambers of its unexplored regions . . . But dinner is ready, and it’s rude to ignore family obligations.” His dad’s language just now sounded far too suggestive.
You need to think about what you say! Thomas wanted to yell, but he wasn’t able to even get a word out before they made it down the stairs and he found himself speechless, face to face with the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen in his life. Sister, why can’t you have at least one pimple, you bitch, he complained internally.
“Who might that be, dear?” his mother asked, a perfectly calm smile flashing with her teeth even as her eyes stared daggers at Thomas. “Who might you have brought to dinner without warning me?” She continued her line of questioning, punctuating the second question with a stab as she sunk a giant butcher’s knife into the wooden table in front of her.
“This is our company’s newest lead technology guru,” his dad didn’t seem to notice the aggression at all as he pulled a chair aside for Thomas, then one for himself and sat down. “He’ll be bringing us into the future. You should have seen it, he might look young, but he’s amazing. He’s got such a firm, hard grip on sciences that I’ve never even fathomed before. He teleported! He built a machine, and teleported right into Thomas’s nursery room, and the machine--”
“Dear, you wouldn’t have given him the shirt off your back, a position at your company, and a plate at our dinner table without getting his name, would you?” her smile grew wider, the edge’s of her lips reaching toward her ears, but her eyes continued to narrow as she stared at her husband who was off in another world. “You wouldn’t be trying to invite someone to our dinner table without even telling me his name, would you now, dear?” she pushed the butcher’s knife even deeper into the wooden table in front of her, causing Thomas to gulp. He had been a school-dodging shut-in for the last three or four years, trying to avoid his sister in his own timeline, and even before that he had rarely interacted with his dad or mom, so he had completely forgotten about how scary she could be.
“Mom, you’re frightening our guest,” his sister put a hand on top of the arm his mom was using to hold the knife. “Why don’t we just start with names. I’m Michelle, this is my mother, Sandy, and I’m sure you’ve already met my father, Harry. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Oh yeah, names, Thomas froze. What do I call myself? I can’t, I can’t just say I’m Thomas, can I? “I’m . . .” Thomas searched his brain for any possible name he could think of, desperately trying to come up with something quick as the three people stared at him, waiting. “I’m uhh-”
“Yes, what is your name Mr. strange-man-who-entered-my-house-uninvited-and-then-interrupted-my-dear-and-loving-dutiful-and-thoughtful-husband-from-finishing-Thomas’s-nursery?” his mother asked, her tone causing the hair on Thomas’s arms to rise and his legs to shake. “Please tell me the name of the man who has disrupted the beautiful peace and serenity of my home.”
This woman will kill me if I don’t come up with a name pronto! “Richard,” he finally settled on the first name he could think of. “I’m Richard.”
“Well it’s nice to meet you, Richard,” his mother smiled. “Now, will it be just the dinner for you, or will you be having dessert too? Perhaps I could prepare a cup of tea as well?” his mother’s questions were polite, but her tone was growing more and more hostile. “How about I pour you a glass of water, and get you a bowl of soup too?”
“Just do all of that, the works. We want our newest star to be well taken care of,” his tone-deaf dad was the only one at the table oblivious to his mother’s death-threatening overtures.
“He must have shown you some amazing equipment in the bedroom,” Michelle said, placing a hand over her mouth as she giggled.
Stop being so cute even when you’re mocking me and my dad, Thomas cursed at her in his head again. Whatever feelings of fear that had sparked from his mother’s words had been instantly stripped from him with just one look from that cute sister of his. Sister, that’s right. Focus on the operative word, sister. She’s your sister, so stop thinking those thoughts, he blinked as hard as he could, imagining awful, cold-shower level thoughts to calm his heart.
“Hey, there’s no reason to blush and be bashful,” his dad patted him on the back before adding “You’ve got some great equipment, Dick.”
Thomas blinked at first, confused at why his dad had just said that so abruptly, but then remembered that the name he gave was Richard, whichand people often shortened it to Dick. Right, you’re Richard, you’re Dick, you’re Richard, you’re Dick, he repeated to himself a few times, hoping not to be as confused or awkward when he heard his name or unwanted nickname again. “I just don’t think it’s that wonderful. You’re overselling it.”
“I’m sure that’s not the case,” the wife said as she poured Thomas a glass of water. “My husband rarely gets that excited about anyone.”
“Then we can conclude that no one’s overselling Dick here,” Michelle giggled again. “After all, dad said he has to have Dick, and Dick is who he’ll have.”
Stop that, you’re awful, Thomas thought, wanting to stick his head six feet in the ground and let the undertaker finish the job of burying him. This was too embarrassing, awkward, and awful all around. What am I going to do, Thomas thought, wanting to cry.
“Awww,” the ire finally vanished from histhe mother’s gaze. “I’m sorry,” she said, walking over to Thomas and putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I should have thought ahead, this is my fault. I have made the mistake here. I should have known a gadget wizard like Harry would be shy and uncomfortable with people,” histhe mother’s 180-degree turn was rather jarring, instead of coming across as comforting, as she likely intended, was rather jarring. “I’ll try to be more considerate, just relax and enjoy the meal. I worked very hard on it,” she said, her eyes now matching her mouth’s smile as she warmly patted Thomas on the back.
Relax? How can I relax when you’re behaving so bipolar?! He wanted to say, the shift leaving him more nervous than ever.
“What do you mean relax? He’s not nervous or uncomfortable, he’s just anxious to get back to his device,” the dad didn’t even bother to finish chewing as he talked with a full mouth. “If he’s bothered, it’s my fault. As soon as he appeared, showing off his glory, I had my hands around that big cylinder of his and was working so fast he didn’t even have time to do anything. He must have been impatiently waiting to get back to his tool the whole time, being forced to watch an unskilled old man handle his precious thing would be upsetting to any young man.”
You’re right, old man, this is definitely your fault. When I die, let no one else be accused of the murder but you, Thomas felt that he would have trouble eating anything if his dad kept saying such inadvertently homo-erotic lines. Yep, appetite, I’ll see you next year if you ever return, he thought, pushing the food his mother had prepared away from himself.
“You wouldn’t be finished already, would you?” his mother, seeing him move the food away from him, immediately switched back to kill mode as her right hand reached over and grabbed onto the knife that was now three inches deep in the wooden table.
“Uhh, no, I just,” Thomas looked around, and quickly grabbed the bowl of soup that was set beside his plate and moved it to where his dinner plate had been, “I just was going to have the soup first. That’s all. It smelled so delicious I couldn’t help myself.”
“Ah, that’s good,” the mother said, while his sister just covered her mouth and cackled as quietly as possible at Thomas’s ever shortening lifespan.
He wasn’t even three bites into the meal and he could already feel he had lost a decade of his life from stress.
“So, Dick,” Michelle licked her lips as she said his name, “tell me about yourself. Where are you from?”
I’m from here? Thomas thought, knowing it wasn’t an answer he could give. He knew the question was coming eventually, and as soon as it was asked he rapidly stuffed his face with a huge mouthful of food to stall for time. He took long, slow, deliberate chews and went through his options. I could say I’m from another planet, but then they’d have a bunch of questions about the planet, if they believed it. They also might sell me out to have me dissected. That won’t work. I could say I’m from this town, but no one in this town knows me, or at least the me right now, so that won’t work either. I could tell them I’m from the future, and it’d explain the unknown technology on my machine, but that seems like it could cause a lot of problems. Especially if they start asking why I look so much like Harry, so that won’t work either. How about-- Thomas pulled out his smart phone, opened up the map function and pointed to a random town as far away from this one as possible. He double-clicked so it would lock onto the town and passed the phone over to Michelle. “I’m from there,” he said.
“Woah,” his sister’s eyes glazed over as she stared at the phone. “This is so cool,” she said, moving the phone around as she inspected it. As opposed to the phones of this time period—clunky, large, and heavy—the smartphone he brought with him was pretty much a clear sheet of expendable plastic—transparent when not in use, and flexible in size. While an image was being displayed, though, the side not in use would go uniformly black, but it still remained thin and could be reshaped and resized. He currently had it stretched out so that the screen was half the size of a keyboard, and he had made it rigid and flat.
That’s right, marvel at the future’s amazing innovations and forget all about your silly prying personal questions! Thomas thought, while being the one to cackle softly this time.
“This is crazy, did you make this?” Michelle asked, trying to get it to expand further as she repeated the motion he had done just moments ago in front of her when first stretching it out to that size.
No, a famous cook did, Thomas thought, but then decided to lie: “yeah. It took forever,” he said, grabbing it from her hands. No reason to tell the whole truth when I did work on redesigning and improving it personally, and the guy who built the main parts of it won’t discover how to for nearly two decades. The eyes of everyone in the room were glued to it as he shrunk it down to half the size of a fingernail, and stuck it to a spot right next to his ear, wherein he knew it would vanish from sight completely as it glued itself onto his skin and became fully transparent. It was a function he enjoyed showing off now, but one he hated in his own timeline. It allowed anyone to ignore him and pretend like they were talking on the phone, as it was less visible than any of the previous bluetooth devices ever had been. Its invention was essentially a license for people to be jerks to anyone trying to talk to them.
“That is amazing,” the mother said. “To be able to pull out your phone at a dinner table so casually while we should all be enjoying a meal,” she glared at him, her right hand moving an inch closer to the butcher’s knife, “amazing.”
“It’s so cool, you have to show me how it works!” Michelle said as her eyes, now big as saucers, stared at Thomas’ face. “And you have to make me one too! I’ll do anything for one, you just name it!”
WOMAN! Thomas closed his eyes for a moment and thought about the ugliest, most grotesque horror film creature he could image. Why do you have to have even more suggestive phrasing than dad! “Well, I think I’d need to find the parts again. It was really hard to come up with the material,” he said. Considering the screen this is made with won’t be invented for another fifteen years, I’d also have to figure out a production process and more, if I want to make one, he thought.
“Oh . . .” she looked deflated. “I mean, if you can make another, maybe I could--”
“Sweetie, you’re not going to keep talking about that dinner-interrupting-device at the table now, are you? Are you trying to rob him right in front of me?” the mother said, her left hand slamming on the table. “I believe we were all eating, weren’t we dear?”
The oblivious dad, also still staring at the spot on Thomas where the smartphone was attached, looked over at his wife: “I mean, I thought we were talking about Richard’s gadget, why? Do you need me to get you pepper for your meal? I could use some for mine too.”
How did you stay alive so long? Thomas thought as the dad dug his grave deeper.
He thought the mother would kill him right there and then, as even her forced fake smile was completely gone with that one sentence, but she just took in a deep breath, and said: “I’ll prepare fresh linens for the couch.”
“Oh, yeah, since Richard needs a place to sleep.”
“For you,” she clarified.
“Huh? Oh. That’s right. So I don’t wake you up when I come in after spending an all-nighter playing with Richard’s equipment. Good thinking honey,” his dad didn’t get it at all. “So I remember you saying you didn’t have a job or anything,” the dad said as he pushed more food into his mouth. “Do you at least have a registration card and the necessary paperwork for employment? Are you old enough to work? What’s stopping you from getting a job with so much talent?”
“Oh,” Thomas realized this was the perfect time to milk his dad’s connections for ease-of-life upgrades. “I am old enough to work, but only part time. I uhhh--” well, I can’t say I was raised in this mansion, so -- “I grew up on the streets and don’t have any identification or family,” he added. “The device upstairs and this smartphone are the only things I have, because I built them myself.”
“Wait, seriously?” Michelle showed her shocked face once more. “You don’t have a family or even any identification? So you’re pretty much a full homeless grifter? How is that even possible?”
“I --” Thomas tried to think of an answer, then he realized he didn’t have to. “I’d rather not talk about my past, if that’s okay.” Sympathy card! Go! He cheered on his new past-dodging, explanation-no-longer-needed plan. “It was not a pleasant time, and I’m just so happy to be able to eat such an wonderfully prepared meal for the first time in a long time, or just to be able to eat with others for the first time in what feels like forever. This is, if you don’t mind me saying something so corny and ridiculous sounding,” he turned to the mother, whose eyes were now welling up as she stared at him, “the best meal I’ve ever eaten in my life.”
“I see,” his mother said, pulling the napkin out of her lap and touching it to her lips as she wiped away non existent food from her mouth before standing up. “I see that I was indeed mistaken about you,” she continued as she left the room.
What is she doing, he worried, watching his mom leave the table entirely and head into the kitchen. While Michelle exchanged a confused look with him, his dad didn’t seem to even notice or care as he happily dug into his meal. “Well that’s not a problem at all,” his dad said. “We’ll get you some proper identification, a nice lab to work in, and enrolled over at Michelle’s high school and subsequently college. Education is important, and you’ll need those degrees in case something ever happens to my company and you find yourself out of a job.”
Thomas, who had rarely interacted with his dad back in his own timeline, was continuously getting more and more impressed with how emotionally dense his father actually was. It gave him hope, because if an unable-to-read-the-air style idiot like him could snag a woman and settle down, then even he had hope for the future.
“Here we go,” his mother returned with a small chocolate cake that she placed in the center of the table. The chocolate cake had one candle in the middle of it, lit, and there were a few forks decorating the sides of the plate.
“What’s this for honey?” the dad asked.
“Well, if he has lived on the street his whole life without a family, then he probably doesn’t know his own birthday. Even if he does know it, it doesn’t matter. Today will be his birthday, and we’ll celebrate the day he became a member of our family. This poor thing, having to go his whole life without a mother’s cooking or a family’s love,” the mom said, extending a hand and placing it on top of Thomas’s hand as she walked beside him. “It’s okay. You don’t have to suffer anymore, you have a family now. We’ll be your family now.”
Bi-polar woman, your mood changes too rapidly! Thomas thought, but his real complaint was that her touching affection and acceptance of him had left him feeling really guilty about lying to his family. At least now I won’t have to make up a new birthday though, he thought, still feeling bad about telling so many lies said to the people he actually did love in his original timeline.
“Thank you,” Thomas didn’t have much more to say. He blew out the candles, and then ate his meal, and the dessert, in silence.
“Oh that’s really good thinking again, dear,” the dense dad nodded. “We can even adopt him.”
“Haha, if they adopt you, then I’d be your sister, wouldn’t I?” Michelle gave Thomas a wink that nearly caused his heart to explode.
I travel back in time nearly two decades, and I’m still right where I started, Thomas sighed.
“That’s right, you would be!” his dad laughed.
“Mhmm,” his mother didn’t say anything as she put a bite of chocolate cake in her mouth.
“Mom, are you going to need help baking another cake for Becky Tuesday?” Michelle asked as she dug her fork into this one.
“Oh, that’d be wonderful. She is your friend after all,” his mom’s ice cold eyes returned as she looked at his sister.
Thomas didn’t say anything more. He should have been rather happy that even with all the random mood swings and turn of events, he had ended up with everything he needed: a place to stay, an identification, a enrollment in a school, and a family to lean on. But, as he stared at Michelle, who was now suggestively sucking on her somehow chocolate covered fingers, even though she had used a fork, one by one, he couldn’t help but feel that his situation was going to be as far from ideal as possible.

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